<\/p>\n
I\u2019m going to tell them that I\u2019m gay, thought Jeff Nally, SHRM-SCP, as he neared the final step in the hiring process for a job he really wanted. It was 2002, and Nally had been working in human resources for about a decade when he applied to be the director of HR for one of the largest air filter manufacturing companies in the world. The company was based in the Midwest, with locations across rural America, and exhibited what Nally considered to be a conservative culture.<\/p>\n
As Nally had proceeded through several rounds of interviews and assessments, he hadn\u2019t received any signals that he would be welcomed as a gay man, but he hadn\u2019t gotten any indications that he would be discriminated against, either. Now the job was his, conditional upon an informal meeting with the president of the company, to be had over breakfast at a local diner.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought to myself, \u2018I\u2019m going to be honest,\u2019 \u201d Nally says, recalling the moment he sat down across from the older, austere military veteran. \u201cAs I introduced myself, I said, \u2018Before we order breakfast, I want you to know that this is my family.\u2019 I showed him a picture of me and Bob, the man who is now my husband, and our adopted son. I said, \u2018These are the most important people in my life. I really do want this job, but if who I am and who I love is going to be a problem, then we can have breakfast and talk about something else, but it\u2019s not my intent to put myself in an uncomfortable position.\u2019 \u201d<\/p>\n
7.1%<\/span> of Americans identify as LGBTQ, according to a 2021 Gallup poll, though the percentage is higher for Generation Z (<\/span>20.8%<\/span>) and Millennials (<\/span>10.5%<\/span>).<\/span><\/p>\n The older man looked at the picture, grinned and handed it back, saying, \u201cI promise you this is not going to be a problem. You and your family are welcome here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt was total relief, like a big weight had been lifted,\u201d Nally says. \u201cAnd I felt confident that even though I knew I would have to keep coming out as I began leading HR at the company, that the president had my back and supported me. And that promise turned out to be true.\u201d<\/p>\n Nally knows that not all coming-out stories go as well as his did. <\/p>\n \u201cI have learned from listening to others how big a risk it was for me to do what I did,\u201d he says. \u201cEveryone who has told me about coming out at work has shared the universal fear and hope we feel in that moment. It\u2019s the same whether people are coming out at major inflection points in their career or in micro ways every day.\u201d<\/p>\n A Personal Predicament, Despite Progress<\/span><\/p>\n G<\/span>reat strides have been made for LGBTQ equality in the workplace in the two decades since Nally, now the chief coaching officer and CHRO at CoachSource, a leadership coaching company in Franklin Lakes, N.J., made his decisive stand at the diner.<\/p>\n The U.S. Supreme Court made discrimination against workers based on their gender identity or sexual orientation illegal in June 2020. The U.S. Congress is currently in the process of enacting the bipartisan Respect for Marriage Act to codify federal protections for same-sex marriages. On the corporate level, employers are more supportive than ever of the LGBTQ community. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) counted 842 employers achieving a perfect score and 1,271 companies actively participating in its 2022 corporate equality index, which benchmarks participants on their LGBTQ-inclusive benefits, policies and practices. When the report was launched in 2002, there were 300 participants and just 13 organizations were awarded top scores.<\/p>\n But absolute equality for LGBTQ employees is an ongoing struggle, and coming out at work is an exhausting, everyday reality for those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, nonbinary or queer.<\/p>\n \u201cThings have changed so much for the better over the last 20 years that I\u2019ve been in the workforce,\u201d says Mike Spinale, SHRM-SCP, vice president of people at Blue Lava, an information security management platform in Menlo Park, Calif. \u201cI\u2019ve only been met with acceptance. But while my anxiety has waned over the years, it is still there, even today. I still size people up when I meet them and try to determine if they\u2019re going to be OK with me being gay. I wonder, \u2018Will they think differently about me?\u2019 or \u2018Will my career be adversely affected?\u2019 \u201d<\/p>\n Similar fears previously kept Mikal Kelaidis, currently a sales development manager at Limble CMMS, a maintenance software company in Salt Lake City, caught between two identities: \u201ca work Mikal and a home Mikal.\u201d <\/p>\n <\/span>More than 1 in 4<\/span> LGBTQ employees are not broadly out at work, according to McKinsey research. Nearly half of respondents reported having to come out at work at least once a week. About 1 in 5 had to come out multiple times a week, and 1 in 10 had to come <\/span>out daily.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n Out to friends and family a decade ago, Kelaidis was worried that being his true self at work would hurt his career. <\/p>\n \u201cI just had a fear that people have biases they can\u2019t control, and I didn\u2019t want there to be any reason, consciously or subconsciously, that I was held back or not promoted,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n Having left an in-person work environment and bounced around in remote, contract jobs during the pandemic, Kelaidis was forced to face his fears again when he accepted a full-time, onsite role at Workstream, a hiring platform and mobile app designed for the hourly workforce, in early 2022.<\/p>\n \u201cI was nervous but excited,\u201d he says. \u201cI wasn\u2019t sure if I would, again, keep my identity hidden and try to keep my personal life and work life separate or just remove the mask and speak truthfully.\u201d <\/p>\n Being hidden takes a personal and professional toll. <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s hard when everyone else gets to talk about their wife, or their husband, or an engagement, and you just smile and nod even though you have someone you love at home, too,\u201d Kelaidis says. \u201cThe nagging fear of getting exposed creates a very busy inner monologue that kept me from bonding or creating deep, meaningful relationships with the people I work with, and, in hindsight, impacted my performance and overall happiness.\u201d<\/p>\n Kelaidis\u2019 fate was decided in a moment, when his new manager at Workstream, in their first one-on-one, asked about any relationships in his life. Without thinking, he opened up about his partner.<\/p>\n \u201cTelling the truth was vulnerable and scary, but I knew it was the right thing to do,\u201d he says. \u201cAnd it felt really good. There is no more work Mikal and home Mikal. There is just Mikal.\u201d<\/p>\n Confronting the Challenges<\/span><\/p>\n D<\/span>espite the prevalence of corporate commitments to inclusion and increasing societal acceptance of LGBTQ people, 46 percent of LGBTQ individuals remain closeted at work, according to the HRC.<\/p>\n One reason is because coming out is often an act of tremendous personal courage. And prior to coming out, first accepting and understanding one\u2019s own sexual orientation or gender identity is a gradual process.<\/p>\n Katrina Kibben, who now identifies as transgender and nonbinary, first came out as gay to their mother in 2001, at the age of 16. The CEO and founder of Three Ears Media, a consultancy in Longmont, Colo., focused on removing bias from the candidate experience, Kibben is an in-demand speaker and out and proud influencer. But they spent their early career in sales and marketing roles, covering the truth about who they were. ?<\/p>\n Kibben says what often keeps LGBTQ people in the closet is \u201cthe perception that these dimensions will make it harder for people to love us. I was silenced by choice. For my safety, for my mental health, I tried my best simply to pass, to pretend to be whatever people thought I was.\u201d<\/p>\n Kibben still has a nagging fear in the back of their mind that people may not like them because of who they are. \u201cI constantly worry,\u201d they say. \u201cI wonder if I\u2019ll be safe every day. I wonder if a stranger can know all of me and still care about me.\u201d <\/p>\n Coming out is especially challenging for junior employees, transgender workers and women, according to research conducted by management consulting and research firm McKinsey & Co. since 2020. <\/p>\n \u201cFor employees below the level of senior manager, it feels like a riskier proposition to come out if the organization has not made them feel absolutely confident that it is safe and career-friendly to be out,\u201d says Diana Ellsworth, McKinsey\u2019s diversity, equity and inclusion work leader in Atlanta. \u201cWith less of a track record of career success, they may be particularly attuned to not do anything that is perceived as career-damaging.\u201d<\/p>\n At age 18, Bryce Celotto came out as transgender before starting work at a nonprofit in Washington, D.C., in 2011. Now the founder of Swarm Strategy in Charlotte, N.C., a company focused on justice, equity, diversity and inclusion, he explains that the challenge for junior employees in today\u2019s work environment is usually not fear of acceptance among peers, but whether their employer will support them.<\/p>\n \u201cJunior workers are thinking, \u2018Will my manager have my back?\u2019 \u201d he says. \u201cThe systems and structures that exist in workplaces, especially in more corporate settings, may make junior workers feel they have to prove themselves more or that it\u2019s harder to get recognition, and if they come out, they may be treated differently or may not get the best projects or won\u2019t get the respect they deserve.\u201d <\/p>\n Ellsworth adds that for women, \u201cwho already potentially face certain microaggressions or more-explicit discrimination, layering on another dimension of diversity, like being gay, is likely influencing whether to make themselves known in that way.\u201d<\/p>\n Natasha Getler-Porizkova didn\u2019t feel intentionally closeted in 2017 at her first corporate job as a digital marketing coordinator at the AT&T Performing Arts Center in Dallas. But at 22 years old and as the new employee at the bottom of the organizational chart, she was reticent to talk about her personal life. <\/p>\n \u201cThere is a hesitation that coming out at work may tokenize you, like being gay becomes your defining characteristic,\u201d she says. After six months on the job, she was brainstorming with her team about ways to promote an upcoming musical about a young lesbian discovering her sexuality. \u201cI threw out several ways to reach the target market\u2014the lesbian community\u2014and someone teased, \u2018Natasha, are you trying to tell us something?\u2019 In that moment, on the spot, I felt uncomfortable, with all eyes on me, but I answered, \u2018Yes. I date women.\u2019 \u201d<\/p>\n Getler-Porizkova, now happily married, has been proudly out in her professional life ever since, and currently works to unify digital marketing with diversity, equity and inclusion advocacy.<\/p>\n An Ongoing Process<\/span><\/p>\n McKinsey also found that transgender employees feel less consistently that they can be their authentic selves at work, compared with others in the LGBTQ community. Trans employees are less likely to be out at work, and they feel less safe and more excluded and discriminated against than their cisgender gay and straight colleagues, research shows. <\/p>\n According to the HRC, the main reasons for not being out at work include fear of bullying and discrimination, fear of being stereotyped or tokenized, not wanting to make others uncomfortable, and concerns over losing relationships and career advancement opportunities.<\/p>\n \u201cMembers of the LGBTQ community experience a set of microaggressions more frequently than others do,\u201d Ellsworth says. \u201cExamples include being asked to be a representative for a group of people like them, hearing derogatory comments or jokes about people like them, and needing to correct others\u2019 assumptions about their personal lives.\u201d<\/p>\n Nearly 40%<\/span> of all McKinsey survey respondents said they had rejected a job offer or decided not to pursue a position because they felt that the hiring company was not inclusive.<\/span><\/p>\n Some company policies can also be overtly exclusionary, such as not offering transgender-inclusive health care coverage or not offering parental leave for adoption.<\/p>\n Another cross to bear for LGBTQ employees is the necessity to come out repeatedly. Nearly half of the respondents in the -McKinsey research reported having to come out at work at least once a week, 20 percent felt they had to come out multiple times a week, and 10 percent said they had to come out daily.<\/p>\n \u201cPeople need to understand that coming out is an ongoing process,\u201d says Brian McComak, founder and CEO of Hummingbird Humanity, a New York City-based consulting firm that cultivates inclusive workplace cultures and leadership. \u201cIt is not a one-time event but is repeated many times throughout a career, sometimes several times a day. It\u2019s something that those of us who have an invisible story to tell make a choice about sharing with each new employer, each new colleague, client or customer we meet. It\u2019s exhausting to pretend to be someone you\u2019re not.\u201d<\/p>\n The decisive moment is often driven by casual conversation, Ellsworth says. \u201cI must decide on the spot when someone asks, \u2018What did you do over the weekend?\u2019 whether to include my wife in my response or not. It is psychologically draining to be constantly coming out.\u201d <\/p>\n![](\"https:\/\/www.shrm.org\/hr-today\/news\/hr-magazine\/winter2022\/PublishingImages\/Pages\/coming-out-at-work\/Mikal.png\")
<\/span> <\/p>\n![\"Katrina](\"https:\/\/www.shrm.org\/hr-today\/news\/hr-magazine\/winter2022\/PublishingImages\/Pages\/coming-out-at-work\/Katrina%20Kibben%2027.png\")
\n<\/span><\/p>\n![\"Screen](\"https:\/\/www.shrm.org\/hr-today\/news\/hr-magazine\/winter2022\/PublishingImages\/Pages\/coming-out-at-work\/Screen%20Shot%202022-11-28%20at%2095445%20AM.png\")
<\/p>\n![\"Katrina](\"https:\/\/www.shrm.org\/hr-today\/news\/hr-magazine\/winter2022\/PublishingImages\/Pages\/coming-out-at-work\/IMG_2812.png\")
\n <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
\n
![\"Screen](\"https:\/\/www.shrm.org\/hr-today\/news\/hr-magazine\/winter2022\/PublishingImages\/Pages\/coming-out-at-work\/hand.png\")
<\/a><\/td>\n![\"Katrina](\"https:\/\/www.shrm.org\/hr-today\/news\/hr-magazine\/winter2022\/PublishingImages\/Pages\/coming-out-at-work\/BrianMcComak-IMGP0263softened.png\")
![\"Screen](\"https:\/\/www.shrm.org\/hr-today\/news\/hr-magazine\/winter2022\/PublishingImages\/Pages\/coming-out-at-work\/Screen%20Shot%202022-11-28%20at%20100518%20AM.png\")
<\/p>\n